A mountain, a fire, pain and gratitude

On Sunday 18th April 2021 I woke up early to meet my hiking buddies at Celia Forest. After three hours of sweating, beautiful conversations and amazing views, we went our separate ways. As I approached Mowbray, where my off-campus student accomodation is, I noticed that there was a fire on Table Mountain. The rest of that afternoon played out like a well-written movie as I watched the fire move closer and closer to where I live and I saw pictures and videos of the UCT campus up in flames and students being evacuated out of some of the residences on campus. Thankfully the fire did not reach where I live but I had to evacuate for a few hours because the smoke was seeping into my room. There was extensive damage to property to UCT's Upper and Middle Campus and UCT's VC has suspended all academic activity for the rest of the week while the university assesses the extent of the damage. All the reports that I have seen indicate that there has thankfully not been any loss of life, although a few of the firefighters were injured. As I type this, I believe that the fire has finally been contained, thanks to the heroic and tireless efforts of the firefighters. Monday morning I woke up to excruciating pain in my shoulder area. The optimist in me believed that this would subside but by late afternoon it had become worse. Fearing that I was suffering a heart attack or a stroke (please don't judge me, I've watched too many American medical series to not have reached this conclusion), I presented myself to the nearest emergency room I could get to. The doctor who examined me allayed my fears of anything like a heart attack or a stroke and he confirmed that my shoulder joint was also functioning well. This helped me calm down but I was still in a lot of pain. I decided to go back home and not stay the night in hospital. Tuesday morning, I presented myself to a GP and she confirmed that my lungs were healthy. Her diagnosis was that I might be suffering from Costochondritis which is an inflammation of the cartilage that connects a rib to the breastbone. I couldn't hide my disappointment when the doctor told me that Costochondritis usually has no apparent cause and that treatment would focus on easing my pain while I wait for the condition to improve on its own. This morning I woke up an realised that over the past couple of days, my focus had been on the excrutiating physical pain I had been feeling and on the devastation caused by the fire. While I had moments of gratitude, I had let go of my intentional gratitude practice. It's easy to be grateful when things are good but, not so much when the negative things of life happen. Right now, I intentionally choose gratitude. I choose to remember all the things that I have to be grateful for. I choose to believe that there is always something to be thankful for. I pray that you choose to do the same. #IntentionalLiving #GratefulLiving #Gratitude #IChooseGratitude

Becoming Miss Nandi

Last year I decided to embark on a new leg of my life journey when I applied to study towards being a qualified teacher. One of my adopted baby sisters and my youngest cousin have both always called me "Miss Nandi" and so I guess, they called it years before the thought even came to my mind! As I pen this, it has been a month since I began with my week-long observation as a local high school in East London and it has been about two weeks of PGCE classes at UCT. The week I spent observing seasoned teachers as a student teacher was the first time I was in a classroom since matriculating in the year 2000. It was amusing to see the dynamics between students and teachers as a third-party. That week had me reminiscing about my own high-school days. I read Economics and Finance as my undergraduate degree at UCT exactly 20 years ago. It has really been lovely being back on campus two decades later. There have been a lot of changes coupled with a lot of reminiscing and going down memory lane. Add the "new normal" of online learning due to the Corona Virus pandemic, it has really been challenging and eye-opening in so many ways. I think that when I decided to pursue this qualification, I walked into in naively and already in the first two weeks I have been challenged to think about teaching, schooling, curriculum in a deeper - almost philosophical way. I have always looked at older ladies who are fearless when it comes to adapting to change in their lives and it's wo funny to hear people in my life (especially younger women friends) use the words "brave" and "courageous" when describing me. I really hadn't thought of myself in that manner but, I welcome having my life encourage someone to take risks, embrace change and thrive during difficult circumstances. I look forward to the many ways that being a full time student will positively affect my life. One thing is certain, I know that I will be a better person at the end of this year because of the teachers I'm sitting under.

My vow of abstinence

I've been wanting to write something down about what God is doing in my life and today, I was finally moved to put pen to paper as I watched an episode from one of my favourite podcasts: Dear Future Wifey with Laterras R Whitfield. Today as I watched Season 2, E208: A Vow of Abstinence (Dr. Conway Edwards & Michael Bethany). I was ministered to in an amazing way as I listened to the teaching shared by Dr. Conway Edwards, as I listened to the conversation and joined in on the worship session! 

It always fills me with so much gratitude how, whatever I go through, I always find some brave person sharing their own journey with something similar. I'm grateful for every person who has courageously chosen to live their life intentionally and transparently so that many will share in the wisdom and encouragement gleaned from how their story is unfolding. 

I gave my life to Jesus in Primary School and while I haven't been a poster child for Christianity, my relationship with God has always been the lens through which I've interpreted life. I got introduced to sex quite young when I was molested as a 10 year old, oral sex in high school then when I decided I wanted to have sex when I got to varsity.

During my walk with God, I walked away from him in my early twenties but even when I recommitted my life to following and serving Christ, I definitely kept my sexuality / sex life out of the equation. As a result, this part of my life has been the source of the most angst / drama / conflict for me.

Towards the end of 2020, I finally got to the point where I decided to give ALL OF ME to God. I guess I really just realised that I've done things my way and failed miserably so now, I'm doing things God's way. I don't expect my life of abstinence to be easy because I've experienced some "good sex" in my life but, it's a vow I'm making to God.

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" - Philippians 1:6 NKJV

"[Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight." - Philippians 2: 13 AMPC

#Covenant #Abstinence #MyVow #Worship #DearFutureWifey #DearFutureHusband #IntentionalLiving #LivingIntentionallyAndTransparently #LoveReigns 

Lessons from nature

Today's entry is inspired by beautiful lessons I learned this morning during my quiet time/ morning meditation.

I am a part of a beautiful accountability group and this morning, as I excitedly went through some of the amazing testimonies shared by some of the members, I found myself wondering about my "breakthrough" and what was holding it back. In true fashion, God began answering my silent inquiry through a series of thoughts; quotes, and stories I've filed away in my head over the years. I remembered that some of the best lessons are found in nature. 

Have you seen how different trees and flowers can all grow side by side, each growing and blooming at its own pace - some seasonal while others are evergreen? When looking at nature, we are able to view each plant and appreciate its unique beauty without comparing it to the one growing right next to it.   

Another story that popped into my head is that of the Chinese Bamboo, which remains seemingly dormant/ dead for years before it starts growing. The first important lesson I gleaned from the story of the Chinese Bamboo is that the seed was planted in the first place. The second lesson for me is that the one who plants the seed needs to consistently water the seed even though nothing seems to be happening. This is the life of walking by faith! Plant the seeds, do the work, and then allow the process to unfold. 

With today's blog, I hope to encourage anyone who may be feeling a tad bit frustrated at God's apparent silence/ inaction. As I encourage myself, to you I also say, "Your life's journey will not look like the person's next to you but it is just as beautiful. Keep watering the soil of your soul and bloom at your own beautiful pace. Do not allow comparison to steal your joy!"  

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the images I've used, I found them on the internet.

Thoughts on Fathers day 2020

Every year on Father's day, I don't know who to wish a Happy Father's Day to. Everyone and their Aunty have an opinion on who to honour on this day.

As a girl raised by a single mother, I especially struggled with this day when I was younger.

I'm grateful that I was able to forgive my biological father for being absent because that unforgiveness was a heavy burden to bear.

My mom has tried her best to play the role of both parents in my life but, I needed my dad to be the first man to show and tell me love... to make me feel protected. I'm grateful that in my life, even with no reference of an earthly father, I have been able to cultivate a relationship with my heavenly Father.

I have had many people who have played "father figure", from my maternal grandfather to my uncles; boyfriends; lovers; family friends; managers at the workplace; colleagues and "brothers".

On this day I choose to honour every man that has played a "father figure" role in my life... No matter how often I express my appreciation, I will never be able to fully articulate how grateful I am to you for choosing to model that "fatherly love" for me.

On this day, I honour all the fathers who choose to be present and do their best to play this important role - to their biological children and those that destiny has gifted them with. I see you, I pray for you because we need you to be healthy and sane... You are loved.

Being real, dealing with shame, overcoming failures and walking tall

As I type this I am in the thick of a situation that is teaching me a great deal about dealing with shame, overcoming failures and not allowing them to drown and overwhelm you.

I'll spare you the details of the situation but I will share with you some important lessons that I was reminded of and learned during this time:

1. Shame thrives in being hidden/ covered up, in you cowering/ hiding, in dark spaces. Allow yourself to be seen (by those you trust, of course) and deal with the shame head-on. In this space, Brene Brown is an absolutely empowering resource.

2. What other people think of you/ say about you is none of your business. This is something I embraced years into my adulthood and it's held me in good stead. When faced with people knowing about an issue that you would rather have kept hidden, there's really no value in agonizing over what people are saying behind your back. You can never control people's conversations about you and their thoughts regarding you so just talk to yourself to not spend too much time wondering/ stressing about that.

3. Change your focus. It's easy to feel like the whole world is coming to an end but honestly, there are always bigger and more important matters going on around you - even when you are thick in a crisis. I found that changing my focus to other matters helped me not think that my personal "crisis of shame" is what every conversation is about.

4. Accept grace (unmerited favour) and love. Sure, there will always be people who will judge and condemn you but there are also people who will show you love and provide you with a safe space to be naked and unashamed. If you do not have any people like that in your life, you can always pay for the services of a professional who's interest is not in showing you how horrible you are but in helping you deal with the situation you are facing. I am a Christian, so for me, this also meant accepting God's grace. Advice that I've always given people is to always maintain honest communication with God - there's nothing you can do that can shock Him!

5. Remember to breathe and maintain an attitude of gratitude. Whatever is going wrong in your life, I guarantee you that there are things you can be grateful for. Keep reminding yourself of whatever good there is in your life.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of the lessons I've learned but what was on my mind to write. Whatever situation you may be faced with... it may be the end of the world as you knew it but it's not the end of the world. Get up, dust yourself off and keep walking (whether or not you are limping or even if crawling is all you can muster) ... let us fail forward!

Sending you love.

Drama at the airport... Waving 2019 goodbye, waiting for 2020 in anticipation

Yesterday day I was scheduled to fly home for Christmas but there was such drama that I was inspired to post about the whole thing.

I got to the airport a bit early coz knew I needed to wrap my bag. The police created a bit of a delay driving in so I was early but not as early as planned. While I was I was waiting for my bag to be wrapped, the machine broke down and I had to move to another one. (I didn't want to chance not wrapping my bag after I had my perfume and jewellery stolen out of my bag in August). While waiting for the bag to be wrapped, I checked in online with only two minutes before the online check-in was closed.

After my bag was wrapped I then ran to the check-in counter to leave my luggage only to be told that check-in was closed so I couldn't leave my bag. Apparently, my only option was to buy another ticket. I quickly checked and the next available ticket was today afternoon for R2599 and I knew then I had to think fast and make another plan.

At this point, it's 10 minutes before the boarding gate closes. I go to a kiosk with a gentle brother (a Rastafarian fellow with kind eyes) and ask to leave my bag with him. He obliged, for a "small fee" of R250. I remembered that a friend had said she'd be driving down to East London on Sunday so I was hoping that she could take the bag with her. She could only come through today to fetch my bag from whoever I'd leave it with so I quickly called one of my mothers (an older lady I met and became friends with about 10 years ago) to organise for my bag to be picked up coz the guy I left it with would knock off at 19h00.

All of this I'm doing while trying to get to my boarding gate. Oh, did I mention that the ladies at the gates went through my luggage coz my perfume bottle had a cap "that looked like a weapon"?! LOL At this point I'm thinking, "Lady, you can have the bottle cap but I'm not losing another perfume to airport staff!" Fortunately, she realised that it wasn't a weapon and I now had to sprint to the boarding gate.

I get to the boarding gate, C12, only to be redirected to E7 (downstairs from where I was). I was told I had 5 minutes to board! By the time I actually boarded I'm sweating like a maniac but grateful to have made it!

What a way to start my holiday! I'm so grateful for God's grace, quick-thinking and for the people he put along my way who were willing to help.

Now that I'm home safe, my luggage is secured all is well, I am smiling at how God just wanted to show me his grace in an exciting way that left me even more excited about 2020! A new season of grace is surely coming.